K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
