Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
