My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
