I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
