I faked an abortion last night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
