can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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