direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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