You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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