I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
