I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
