I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
