I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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