I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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