for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
