I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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