I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
