kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
