my phone needs a breathalizer
my sisters under your porch take her home
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
