Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
