Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
its liver damage thursday
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
