Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
