This is not my ceiling
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You don't make any sense
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