he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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