Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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