So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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