his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
