Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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