ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
