I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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