I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
