I think my fart just growled at me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
