you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
