i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
