So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
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I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I wear drunk well.
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