i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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