There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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