I think scott just propositioned me for sex
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
