I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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