Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
