my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So squirting runs in the family.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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