yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
