I never want to see another naked old woman again.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
