My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
