When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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