Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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