Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
