i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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