She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
