I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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