why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
