The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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