I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
