just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
