Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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