You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
