when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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