Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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