my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
