I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
