Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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