Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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