We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
