my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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